Never Follow These 5 Awful Travel Tips
Never Follow These 5 Awful Travel Tips
Let's be honest, if you've ever planned a trip, whether down the street or to the other side of the world, one of your smart ass friends has always been there to provide a tip or two, and lets face it, some of them downright suck. While planning a picnic in your own neighborhood might not be as exiting as a one way ticket to Nepal, you'll need some good advice either way.
See, you forgot the bottle opener for that wine didn't you, how are you going to have that romantic picnic now dumbass? We're here to help. Here is our list the the best 7 travel tips that totally suck.
1. Don't Eat Street Food
If you believe this I will slap you back to last week. Street food is the best food I have ever had while traveling, hands down. Those little fried balls of who-knows-what on the streets of Ecuador? Delicious. Ice cream served on a bun in the blistering heat on a beach in Thailand? Fan-fucking-tastic! Street food is real food, really good food. Its made from the heart, simply and goddamn delicious.
The irony that so many tourists would prefer to walk to the closest McDonald's and get a Big Mac that is probably processed with baby poo and wood glue over a fresh piece of chicken with the feathers still on it is beyond me. What's that meat thing on a stick? I have not idea either but if you don't eat it I'll fucking slap you.
That being said, your butt is going to fall out either way, just take the more exiting route and eat the street food on your way there.
2. Don't Travel Alone
Are you kidding me? This might be the single worst bit of advice yet. Traveling solo is quite possibly the best way to know yourself, the world around you, other cultures and people. Sure, traveling with your friends, hitting up a few bars and crashing in a shit hostel is fun for a bit, but head out on your own, get lost in a village and be welcomed in for a bowl of soup by an old toothless woman and tell me which experience means more to you 10 years down the road. (hint, it wasn't your friend peeing on your legs while you're asleep at the Hans Brinker hostel in Amsterdam.)
Get lost. GET LOST. Its the best decision you'll make. Forget all the stereotypes, the voice in the back of your head and your better judgement. Have some balls and embrace the unknown.
3. Plan Your Trip
You really think you know enough about the future to think you can plan a trip down to each hour? You cocky sonuva bitch, I like you, but take it from us, whatever plans you make will get turned inside out and upside down before you can even blink. Want to jot down the names of some cool cities in Bulgaria and a famous pub in Iceland, go for it. Want to make an hour by hour plan for a Tuesday three weeks from now? Go fuck yourself, its not going to happen.
Go to a hostel, meet a stranger, sleep with them, wake up next to them, run, and then find someone new and go where they are going. Make friends with their friends friends, say yes to the absurd, drink with strangers and make master plans you know you'll never follow up on and then see what you feel like in the morning (besides a lobotomy).
Have a loose idea of what you want to do, sure, but leave your plans open to fate, chance, whatever you want to call it. I've never been on a trip that has gone according to plan and thank God.
Plus, your stories will be WAY better if you are open to adventures, so in case we ever end up next to each other at a bar in the future, please for the love of God have a good story to tell me.
4. Bring a "Travel Belt"
This is not only terrible advice, but an absolute fashion crime. I mean, heres the thing, if you were raised in the US like me, you were probably brought up to think that every person outside the precious boarders of America was sent on a mission from God to murder you and tie your lifeless body up in the town square for the villagers to dance around as they make soup out of your bones. Truth be told, the world isn't actually that scary and every is really nice (unless you go to Paris, never go to Paris, it sucks)
One of the main goals of traveling the world is to get to know other cultures, peoples, languages and customs, but the quickest way to ruin any chance you have of fitting in is walking into a hole-in-the-wall restaurant and having to completely undress, untie, unzip and unlock the ridiculous hidden wallet you've strapped somewhere between your belly button and poop shoot. This doesn't say "look at me, I've decided to travel and am cautiously optimistic about what I will encounter." Instead it screams "All my friends tried to talk me out of coming to Peru and promised every person in your entire country would try to rob and rape me so please be gentle and get it over with after I pay for this empanada..."
Bring a wallet, a purse, whatever you have at home you idiot.
5. Bring a Ton of Money, Travel is Expensive
This isn't as much a bit of bad advice but just a downright horrible lie and stereotype of travel. I've spent more money on a Lakers game and a couple beers with buddies than I have a whole month in Cambodia. Travel is as cheap as you want it to be. Want to spend the night in the Four Seasons Singapore - you might have to drop a couple bucks, but walk down the street and you'll find a $3 hostel. Added bonus, it's next door to a brothel, see everybody wins.
In all seriousness, think about how much money you spend a month in rent, gas, food, drinks, dumbass coffee drinks and FarmVille credit on Facebook and then book a one way flight to Asia and live for 3 months on the same money. You might not have all the comforts of home but you won't be able to look back on your life and have no memory of what happened from 22-24 because you were the most boring person on the planet, and instead will have those stories to tell me at a bar I was talking about earlier.
Who wants to be all alone in a $500 a night suite in Bangkok when you can be in the streets with new friends, catching ping pong balls and eating scorpions? Exactly.